I'm so thankful to be part of this group! I look forward to sharing tips and experiences with you all. I am sort of a newly single parent. I'm 35 yrs old with a 5yo daughter and 2.5 yo son.
It's very hard to figure out how much to share. I could write a small novel.
My ex-husband and I first separated mid-October. He moved out for 2 months but he spent most of it trying to be manipulate me into letting him return. .he admitted he didn't think I'd be happy about it after a couple weeks (I was very thankful and happy he had left!) When he couldn't emotionally manipulate me into letting him return, he started blackmailing me and finally one worked, which was he cut off our financial support.
He didn't want me to work for years and because I had small children I couldn't do it without his support. He also sabotaged a business I tried to start early last year but then I finally came up with a business idea he couldn't sabotage -- a daycare. I launched that in November but didn't have any clients by the end of the year which meant I had no choice but to let him come back.
I explained to my daughter it was temporary. He quickly became a monster again but I refused to be a mouse like before and thankfully he worked crazy long hours and most weekends so it mostly wasn't a problem. Then just this past Tuesday he surprised me asking, "do you mind if I take Victoria (our daughter) on a playdate to meet the daughter of a woman I've been dating."
WHAT?!?!?!? I didn't explode, I said it was inappropriate and unfair to her, that we should be actually divorced and she should get we are really not together, and that he should be dating the woman and quite serious about her before introducing her to our children. . .
A couple hours later he told me he was moving out to live with her cause of the "situation." I was confused -- what situation? I hadn't yelled, the confrontation lasted all of 2 mins, and he normally leaves for work in the morning before we even wake up so why leave now? He had his coat on already and was all packed and just firmly said, "I am leaving." "Ok. .. " I said, confused. I later figured out he may have been counting on me exploding as an excuse for him to leave, but that didn't work and so he left anyway.
I was surprised cause of how hard he worked, how evil he was, about coming back here. Now he was just willfully leaving? I think it was cause I refused to be intimate with him since he returned. I found out he had been trolling CL and kijiji looking for sex :( Since he went on ADD meds over a year before he had become way more of an asshole than ever and very sexually deviant. You know that creeper prevert vibe some guys have? He had developed that :( The worst, most crushing part of it was that we were financially not ready at all. Since he had come back he had given me so little money, not enough money, to pay bills and buy groceries. He refused to discuss budgeting at all. .and I finally understood he had been hoarding money and/or spending it on dates. I had gotten one afterschool client but that was far from enough to be enough for us to separate.
The day he left I got a legal aid package in the mail. Over the last year and a half he had become very aggressive as the result of some medication (adderall) and a week before had knocked our son to the ground by pushing our son away when our son was tugging on his pants. ..to me that was a sign to get the ball rolling. I consulted with a couple lawyers and have returned the financial papers legal aid requires and am now waiting for the certificate, which should come this week, so I can officially hire a lawyer and get spousal support and child support court orders. My ex left me with only $60, and diapers wiped out half of that on the first day. .and cause he'd not been giving me enough money for 2 months we barely had any groceries and my gas tank was empty :/ Yesterday he got a big bonus at work and a big raise, sent me $300 and happily promised he'd make sure we were taken care of. . .. I don't trust him cause of what he did before so we'll see, no matter what I will make sure it is a court order. I can no longer trust him to just give me the money.
No matter what, the support isn't enough to keep us in our rental home and pay our bills, though. But we have a lease until Aug 2014. I got a call for 2 fulltime daycare clients, which would allow us to stay in our home with the support from my ex. .so that interview is on Monday and I will see if they register. I also have another potential client I've become friends with since we interviewed in November (she needs care for April) so she may register if I don't end up having to break my lease and move.
My mother initially offered me a cheap rental home she owns near her house, but then went back and decided not to rent it to me cause she's afraid my ex won't pay his support (even though it will be court ordered and even taken out of his paycheque if need be) and she doesn't want to lose the rent :( She is abusive and mental anyway, but very good to my kids so I was going to move there just for that.
I guess I am spending the weekend filling out co-op housing applications just in case I don't get those two clients. We can live comfortably on half the rent without relying on daycare income. That feels safer. Then if I get daycare clients at a new home that money will be all bonus, for saving and investing, and maybe even going on a nice holiday once a year.
I wrote a huge section, about the size of the text above, about our relationship and how it got to that point, but feel it might be too much to share(?)
The only other thing besides figuring out housing and how we're going to manage financially, that I'm trying to figure out right now, is my poor kids :( My son, who was very anti-social from infancy, started paying a lot of attention to older males. He even called one daddy yesterday, after the man ignord him when he said hi :( It is heartbreaking to see him reaching out to males :( My daughter is mostly ok but she has never been a complainer and has started having stomachaches and when she's just on her own playing or whatever, she sometimes looks so very sad :( I called an agency that exists to help separated and divorced families to ask about counselling for kids, but they haven't called back yet. My ex has never been involved in the family or home, but he did play with them once in a while. He was rough with them, very impatient, but still their father.
HE came by to get the rest of his clothes on Thursday and refused to see them. My son begged and pulled me upstairs to see him and after 5 mins of giving me shit for letting our son see him, he said hi to him :( He has made no plans to see them. Also, his new girlfriend's place is 2.5 hrs away :/ which totally doesn't make sense for his job or for seeing his kids. Last time he moved out it was an hour and a half away and he swore the next place would be in our neighborhood. .. clearly he is choosing her over us. He is also a huge liar. .oh god, I could write in here for pages. . .
That is where we are right now.