December 14th, 2001


(no subject)

*note to members of the group*
(This is traceylee. Cindy posted this entry in her own journal, but I think it should be posted here as well. I have access to her account, and her permission to edit her entries. So I know she won't mind that I am posting it here as well. She is going through a really rough time at the moment and I know she could really use all our support.

I am so down. I hate this. I think, " No, I know I will pass." I need an 83 on the OB final, and a 67 average on the last two together to pass. I just can't pull out of this depression. I cry at a drop of a hat. I am so disappointed in myself. I hate myself, actually. I went and got my dose of Zoloft upped. The doctor asked if I was feeling suicidal. I told her no, but the fact is I kinda am. I don't have a plan or anything, I wouldn't do that to my son either. I just don't want to be here anymore. The pain is tearing me apart. I hate all they have done to me. I felt I had left it all behind and was getting on with my life. Now, it comes in these tidal waves. I know I am strong (or I would have offed myself long ago) but I can't take much more of this. Trust me, if I don't pass the nursing course I will be not just a little suicidal. I have so much pressure, I don't know how much more I can take. You know that saying that God won't give you more than you can handle, well he has reached my limit. I just don't know how much more I can handle. I want to be happy, I want to look forward to the day ahead, and can't. I am a really positive and upbeat person really, but right now I am nothing. That is how I think and feel about me right now, nothing. I can do this I know I can, I have to tell myself that all the time or the sorrow will drown me. HELP!!! I have so many wonderful people in my life that help me out, but I feel so alone. I want to crawl up in a fetal position and never come out again. I can read this and know that it will end, but when? What is ahead of me and can I handle it all. I try so hard and want to be a good mom and a good person. I want more of myself. I guess as a good, good friend once told me, "Hey Cindy no one expects you to be perfect." I expect me to be perfect and I am anything but. I am a mess, fat, ugly, and not quit as smart as I had hoped, and I barely get through the day. The only thing I think I do marginally well is mothering my son. I have to though, cause his father doesn't give a shit. I hate him too. Well, have to go to bed now cause I don't want to think anymore at all.